Red Flag #5

5. He introduced me to the World's Dirtiest Bathroom, worthy of the local news and hazmat team.

Let me back up. It was his idea to go meet his family back in New York. I'd planned to head out of LA anyway to meet my own family at the Jersey Shore, so we agreed to go together and combine family visits.

His sister had just moved into a new house in one borough of New York, and most of his family was maybe a half hour away in another. His kind younger sister had made sure the spare bedroom was ready and seemed excited that we could stay with her.

Only, after dinner in the other borough, he didn't feel like driving allllll the way back to his sister's new house and announced to the family that we'd be staying with his brother instead.

I saw Eldest Sister and Youngest Sister exchange a glance of total and undisguised horror.

Youngest Sister: "You're joking right?"

Eldest Sister: "You absolutely cannot take her there."

Him to me: "Oh, yeah, uh...there's no A/C. Do you mind?"

Me, wondering if it's really about the A/C: "Um, whatever you want to do..."

Youngest Sister: "No. Don't do it. Seriously."

Eldest Sister to me: "Call me if you change your mind..."

Nine minutes later I'm standing in his brother's bathroom frozen in terror. It was truly the award-winning World's Dirtiest Bathroom.

Clearly he must not give a crap about me if he thinks it's acceptable to subject me to this. Clearly he can't even be bothered to put aside his laziness for 20 minutes to show me some common courtesy.

He claims not to have noticed when he showered there a few days before my visit. Oh yeah, I'm real convinced.

The bathtub was so slick with brown mold that it would have been wiser to skip the shower than to set a pinkie toe into that petri dish. Unfortunately I was coated in bugspray and had to get it off.

After surviving the Attack of the Mold Swamp, I found a dusty bottle of rubbing alcohol under the sink, pried it open and hosed down my feet. Prissy, you say? No way--if this happened to you, you would do it too rather than risk ending up in a Lamisil commercial.

(Here's a random aside: His brother drives an amazing space-age-like sports car. If I could afford a machine like that, I would certainly invest in a cleaning service.)

Also in this category:

Exhibit B
He once chided me for the stacks of papers on my desk at home and sat down with me to implement a system to get better organized..."and not so messy." Now, I appreciate that he wanted to help, but oh the irony.

In all fairness, he wasn't a total toad...and I wasn't a complete idiot. We obviously had some nice moments or it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. (Ugh!) He did just enough to keep me hooked...and I guess to keep me right where he wanted me: Accessory Girlfriend to take to parties and to tell others amusing stories that start with "So my girlfriend and I were on our way to...."

I'm happy to report that I learned quite a lot from my time with the Megalomaniac...and I will never fall for that again.

Cumulative Lesson Learned: Those red flags mean something...and unless you want a load of bull, run the other way.