Red Flag #5

5. He introduced me to the World's Dirtiest Bathroom, worthy of the local news and hazmat team.

Let me back up. It was his idea to go meet his family back in New York. I'd planned to head out of LA anyway to meet my own family at the Jersey Shore, so we agreed to go together and combine family visits.

His sister had just moved into a new house in one borough of New York, and most of his family was maybe a half hour away in another. His kind younger sister had made sure the spare bedroom was ready and seemed excited that we could stay with her.

Only, after dinner in the other borough, he didn't feel like driving allllll the way back to his sister's new house and announced to the family that we'd be staying with his brother instead.

I saw Eldest Sister and Youngest Sister exchange a glance of total and undisguised horror.

Youngest Sister: "You're joking right?"

Eldest Sister: "You absolutely cannot take her there."

Him to me: "Oh, yeah, uh...there's no A/C. Do you mind?"

Me, wondering if it's really about the A/C: "Um, whatever you want to do..."

Youngest Sister: "No. Don't do it. Seriously."

Eldest Sister to me: "Call me if you change your mind..."

Nine minutes later I'm standing in his brother's bathroom frozen in terror. It was truly the award-winning World's Dirtiest Bathroom.

Clearly he must not give a crap about me if he thinks it's acceptable to subject me to this. Clearly he can't even be bothered to put aside his laziness for 20 minutes to show me some common courtesy.

He claims not to have noticed when he showered there a few days before my visit. Oh yeah, I'm real convinced.

The bathtub was so slick with brown mold that it would have been wiser to skip the shower than to set a pinkie toe into that petri dish. Unfortunately I was coated in bugspray and had to get it off.

After surviving the Attack of the Mold Swamp, I found a dusty bottle of rubbing alcohol under the sink, pried it open and hosed down my feet. Prissy, you say? No way--if this happened to you, you would do it too rather than risk ending up in a Lamisil commercial.

(Here's a random aside: His brother drives an amazing space-age-like sports car. If I could afford a machine like that, I would certainly invest in a cleaning service.)

Also in this category:

Exhibit B
He once chided me for the stacks of papers on my desk at home and sat down with me to implement a system to get better organized..."and not so messy." Now, I appreciate that he wanted to help, but oh the irony.

In all fairness, he wasn't a total toad...and I wasn't a complete idiot. We obviously had some nice moments or it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. (Ugh!) He did just enough to keep me hooked...and I guess to keep me right where he wanted me: Accessory Girlfriend to take to parties and to tell others amusing stories that start with "So my girlfriend and I were on our way to...."

I'm happy to report that I learned quite a lot from my time with the Megalomaniac...and I will never fall for that again.

Cumulative Lesson Learned: Those red flags mean something...and unless you want a load of bull, run the other way.

Red Flag #4

4. "That's why I'm glad I know CPR."



One day my entire department at the office decided to go out for lunch together. We arrived at the restaurant and had just placed our orders when the coworker (and friend) sitting next to me suddenly stood up and had a seizure.



Other coworkers knew of his history of epilepsy and called 9-1-1 right away. He was seated next to a wall and between me and another person, so we just made sure he didn't fall and then helped seat him and hold his head up when he fell unconscious for a moment.



The paramedics took him away and his closest friend at work (not me) went to the hospital with him.



I wrote the Megalomaniac Boyfriend an email about it--telling him how scary it was and how I was really worried for my friend. All I wanted was to share my feelings and get some sort of emotional support from my partner.



What does he respond with? Those little words that mean so much:



"Glad I know CPR."



Are you kidding me? Are we even talking about you, dude? For once, no.



Also in this category are these classic exchanges:



Exhibit B

Him: "How would you like to go to Vegas with me this weekend?"

Me: "Absolutely!"

Him: "So we're leaving at 10 a.m.--D's gonna drive since all 7 of us will be sharing a room."



Exhibit C

Me: "Hey did you get that really important email I sent you?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "What did you think?"

Him: "Oh, I didn't read it."

Red Flag #3

3. He showboated about his mad romance skillz before arranging a "big surprise date"...and then took me on the same date I'd been on 500 times with my high school boyfriend.

Pretty early on in our yearlong relationship, he called me up bragging about how he'd arranged a date that would "totally blow my mind." Supposedly I was "not even ready" for the eventful evening he had planned.

I found out soon enough what this meant: He showed up with my favorite flowers (yellow roses) and took me out for my favorite food (Italian).

In other words, two things he learned from reading my Facebook profile.

Now, I know what you're thinking. But let me assure you I'm not a high-maintenance girl who wants her boyfriend to show up in a Lear jet bound for Venice.

Of course I was appreciative. Of course I enjoyed it--two of my favorite things after all.

But, um, my high school boyfriend also used to bring me yellow roses and fettuccini alfredo, so...if you want to brag about being on par with a 17-year-old, then I don't know what to tell you.

After all the pre-date hype, consider my mind not blown.

See also:

Exhibit B
Him: "Just wait until you see what I got you for your birthday."
Gift: An earth-friendly Barnes and Noble bag with unwrapped Travel Scrabble inside.

Oh, please. He wasn't that earth-conscious--he just didn't bother to think of anything. Or wrap it.

Exhibit C
His birthday is 10 days before mine. He threw himself a huge party at a neighborhood bar (and I helped as much as he would let me). I got him a creative gift, decorated his apartment before he got home, made sure I ordered the type of cake he hinted about, and collected amusing anecdotes about him from his good friends to assemble a book.

Man I was a sucker.

Better Late than Never? Red Flag #2

As you can see, I ran out of steam in chronicling the Megalomaniac. He was a life-force-draining crazymaker, and it was easier (and wiser) to move on than to dwell. Now that the shallow man's shallow wound has healed over.....it doesn't make his past antics any less amusing.

On to the rest of the Red Flag List...

2. He lectures publicly about Emotional Intelligence and Improving Communication...and showed me one of his prized powerpoints on our First Date.

Could this be any more ironic? A man who solves problems with the Silent Treatment gives presentations to others about communication....and understanding emotions.

Supposedly this is part of his job--educating interns on improving people skills and communication tactics to enhance their careers and social lives.

Now why didn't I run when he gave me a quick 7-minute version of one of his favorite presentations on our first date???

The world (and I) will never know. He spliced in amusing details of his own life to illustrate his points, and somehow I found this endearing. And it seemed like I might learn something about him more valuable than whatever I could learn from Googling him (sans affirmation or denial of criminal record) so I figured what the heck.

But next time you find yourself watching a powerpoint on a First Date......give yourself a good shake and call it a night.

Knowing the Signs

There are always tell-tale signs. They are things we notice, register...but decide to catalog for later.

I'd certainly seen the red flags waving...but they looked like small red flags. Nobody's perfect right? I was having so much fun, traveling and going out all the time, and dreaming up a new life...that I just let them wave for a while.

It wasn't until I took a moment to step back that I realized all that red was about to blow up in my face.

Observe just a few of the reasons I should have cut and run sooner:

1. His BlackBerry is like a third arm.
Oh yes. Never without his BlackBerry. Now, I love to be in contact with my friends, family and a few esteemed associates, but I'm of the school that no one should call anyone before sunrise unless there is a TRUE EMERGENCY or CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER.

Yet his BlackBerry would ring at 5:13 in the morning, and he would answer it every time... In a voice louder and more nasal than I thought was humanly possible. A voice loud enough to wake the dead, not to mention my roommate, who has a reputation for sleeping through earthquakes and the Indy 500.

He's not a surgeon. He's not an advisor to the President. He's not even a bodyguard.

He's in HR.

HR!!!

So why does anyone in HR need to be reachable 24/7? Oh wait, he doesn't. Next time, I'll take a lesson from Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much" and call it a day.

By the way, I bought my roommate dinner to apologize for the fact that she was woken up by "Yes, George...well I'll be covering this very topic in my seminar later this week..."

Which brings us to #2...

My Life with a Megalomaniac

I just spent a year of my life dating a totally self-absorbed emotional child. Only I didn't realize it until he broke up with me--by giving me the Silent Treatment until I broke up with him. Classic.

He's thirty. No, not thirteen. THIRTY. THE SILENT TREATMENT.

The absolute best part may have been this: When I finally realized that he's capable of loving only himself, I announced to him that his bizarre treatment revealed his true colors, and they were Megalomania and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He later sent me this gem of an email....

"Your comment opened my eyes. I didn't know what megalomanic meant, so I looked it up. I found it true to be true, and I don't see a problem with it."

Are you freakin kidding me? I actually dated this bozo?

*M*